My Deepest Desire?
by lavocecitaquenosecalla
Summary: If only someone had bothered to ask me, maybe things would have been very different. Inspired by the song "Losing My Religion".


Individual existence is something simply fascinating, too complex, not to mention life in general. Nothing is as simple as it seems, although most people take their own existence for granted, as something that is simply there to take advantage of and travel without regard, but they do not have the slightest idea. The life that you live is not like anything to mine, you are not like me. I have had to travel a great distance and I do not know how much more I have to travel yet. That distance is the same as there is between you and me, it is the distance that separates us and that I am willing to travel. But my words can be overwhelming, because the truth about me could be too strange to be credible. But I've already told you the truth about me on countless occasions, and I always tell the truth, however bizarre it may seem.

I am caught in the middle of a crossroads, in the midst of the eyes of all those who expect something from me. What I am supposed to do because it is what belongs to me, but that is simply not what I want to do, because I am losing a lot in search of earning much more. I try to maintain my humanity to be in contact with you, although it has been more difficult than I could imagine, because everyone seems to be against me. Everyone seems to know what I should do, but none of them seems to be able to understand what I really want, what I really need. I have repeated it many times, I have established it before everyone, but even so, it seems that no one understands it, it seems that it is not enough for what I have already stated so many times. It seems that my reasons will never be enough, much less, valid.

I thought you made fun of me the first time we spoke, or was it that you understood the origin of my motivation to do what I did and were you happy for me? I thought you were happy and that you felt the same feeling and emotion that I felt, but I think I just misunderstood the situation and it just turned out that it was so much my enthusiasm that I ended up seeing what I wanted to see, someone trying to understand my situation.

Everything I do, everything I feel, everything I look for, everything I say has only one purpose. Trying to stay close to you, to know you; to protect you. As if that really were necessary, because when I'm near you, it's me who needs protection. By your side I become clumsy and careless, and even so, I strut myself before everyone regardless of the consequences of my actions. I become vulnerable, as it has never been before and it is so hard for me to understand. This weakness for you could kill me, you are my Achilles heel, you are what has made me change and everyone already knows it. That was already well established.

What really matters here, what is really important, is the decision I made, what led me to look for a way to make my dreams come true. That moment of weakness that led me to escape so as not to face what was destined for me, and at the same time, it became the greatest strength I have had so far to leave in search of my own destiny, which I am now forming with my actions and that could well lead me to destruction if everything I'm fighting for now, turns out to be simple windmills.

Sometimes I feel that you do not take me seriously enough, that your concept about me is that of someone unbalanced who seems to be happy with himself in his own world. Sometimes I think I can see in you a different person, someone able to understand my true self and accept me as I am, despite my past, despite my origin, despite all the blame always falling on me. Someone who can make the devil smile with just seeing your face. It is so much my desire, that I seem to see it with my own eyes every time you accept my company. But is that true or is it simply a fantasy that I created in my eagerness to achieve my goal?

I feel caught between what everyone expects of me and what I want for myself. I am the center of attention of all those I left behind and who constantly remind me of my obligation despite having repeated to the point of exhaustion that this is not what I want. Sometimes I feel that my will is about to break, that I am about to give up everything that I have been fighting for and that sometimes, it seems I will never achieve. I try to stay by your side despite everything, despite the adversities, of the people who constantly try to drag me back to hell with every step I take and that sometimes seem to be about to achieve it. Finally I have managed to say everything that was deeply stored in me and that has now come to light, everything that has brought me to the point where I am now and that still does not seem enough, because with each day that I spend on your side, I discover that there is still more to be said and done.

I do not think I'm doing things so bad, I think I've managed to make you happy even if it's a couple of times when you're with me. I think I have made a lot of progress in this new path that has taken me to you, I believe that you have also noticed it, and you have managed to recognize it. Unless it's just my imagination that has been driven to fantasize because of that desire that refuses to surrender. I try, I try again and again, sometimes it's easy, sometimes not so much, and other times they put me to the test, to the point of having me on my knees, bleeding on the floor. Sometimes it turns out to be so difficult that I feel like just breaking down in tears and I wonder why I keep trying, why do I keep chasing this dream that seems destined to fail? Because that is what it is, a dream. And dreams exist because they are desired. And what do I want the most? What is my deepest desire? Maybe I still do not have the answer for that, but I'm sure I can only find it in one place, and I'm heading towards it, no matter how long it takes me, no matter what I have to leave behind, how much pain it causes me and how difficult it is to be. I will reach my dream to finally be able to answer that question that nobody bothered to ask me from the beginning.


End file.
